Trust

Lately I hear "Oceans" by Hillsong United every time I turn around but I'm not complaining. It seems such a fitting song right now. The following lines resonate so deeply within my soul:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I have to admit this last year has been the season of practicing trusting God. I would have told you before that I trusted Him completly but that is just not true! Thankfully a friend recommended Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. (By the way, every Christian should read this great book). After reading Trusting God, I came to clearly understand God's sovereignty over the world. When the light bulb came on, I realized I could let go of those things I held so tightly. Before, I thought if I let go of them, that would mean facing the unknown and that's not fun for this self-professed planner. 

Anyway, when I sing this song I remember all that I've learned to let go of and the lingering areas I'm slowly surrending to Him. It's so much better to release it to the One who knows what He's doing. Thank you Jesus that I'm not in charge!

I hope this encourages you.

For His Glory

A kind friend shared the Shane and Shane music video with me yesterday (posted below) and watching this led to watching a John Piper sermon that was "suggested" on YouTube. For multiple reasons, I've not listened to many podcasts lately but my soul was stirred when I heard Piper preach during the music video. I felt compelled to watch this sermon from the Desiring God Conference in 2005, also based on his book, When I Don't Desire God. The words that stuck out the most to me were:

"Why does God do everything that He does? Is there a unifying motive? God does ALL that He does to display His GLORY for the full and lasting enjoyment for ALL who embrace Christ as their highest treasure."

No more asking, why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to deal with this pain? Why do I get treated this way? Why am I single? Why? Why? Why?

Although the hurt and pain may still penetrate my heart, I know the reason why I am enduring very minute, irritating moments to very large, long-lasting trials. It's not as if I did not know the reason for suffering before but I did not accept it as truth for my life. I would often put my clenched fist up in the air toward God with a demand that these difficult times end quickly but God in His sovereignty has not always done so. He has been faithful in showing His true character to me and for that I am thankful. 

I want to live with full abandon to His Will and let go in full surrender of my will, Heather's will, the will that gets me no where in life, the will that stunts my growth, the will that keeps me from His blessings, the will that stubbornly refuses to submit, the will that brings natural consequences.

"I will say to the north, Give up,

    and to the south, Do not withhold;

bring my sons from afar

    and my daughters from the end of the earth,

⁷ 

everyone who is called by my name,

    whom I created for my glory,

    whom I formed and made.”

Isaiah 43:6-7 ESV

Fall down like rain

It has been WAY too long since my last post and I am not sure that anyone checks this anymore but I have some things on my heart that I want to say.

I feel that the Lord has been preparing me for something really big since July of 2007 when I came back Quba. I learned a lot about people who have so few possessions yet have a huge desire for the Lord. They were in such need physically and when they were introduced to the Lord, they accepted Him so willingly. It was was amazing to see their passion for the Lord and it made me analyze my focus on "things" that take the place of God in my life.

Throughout all of last year as I experienced the life of a teacher, I was faced with many challenges. It felt like drudgery to get up incredibly early everyday and face the monsters waiting for me to teach them something important. I was tired most days and emotionally drained. I had no desire to love these hateful children. They had nothing nice to say nor did they have any real commitment to school work. Their lives outside of school were full of problems and therefore they were a product of their environment. Their parents sent them to my class to babysit them as well as discipline them, parent them, teach them social skills, educate them, give them advice and pretty much teach them anything that they had not learned at home. I did not take well to accepting my task at hand. I was so angry all the time and struggled to see anything positive about what I was doing at this school. I certainly had yelled at them and said things out of emotion. I definitely had hatred in my heart for the bad kids. I could have cared less about the gangsters. I had no compassion for the girls that gave me a nasty response when I told them to stay on task and stop talking. I tried to get the counselors to transfer these kids out of my class. They did at times but that was not always the solution to the problem.

I kept asking the Lord for another job or at least another grade level to switch to. I figured I could survive the school year and transfer somewhere else where the kids actually liked me. I mean, they did not care about what I was teaching so why should I care about them? Well the Lord was continuing to work on my prideful heart everyday. In the spring I did the Breaking Free Bible study by Beth Moore and saw the many strongholds in my life. I also learned how Satan had gotten a foothold in my heart. I was against the students and they were against me because I wanted to control them. I also had pride because if they treated me with disrespect I had no desire to give them much mercy. Once they were wrong, they were wrong always. I had to learn how to pray for the hard students in order to let the Lord soften my heart. At times, I did repair the relationship with the difficult student but mostly I tried to find them doing something wrong.

During the spring semester, I was also struggling with singleness. Several friends had gotten engaged in December and several more in the spring. It seemed that the singles department at church had a whirlwind of dating couples, engaged couples and newly married couples. My younger sister had also gotten engaged. This was crushing my spirit. I kept comparing myself to others and felt I was ready for a relationship but it was not happening. When you start comparing yourself to other believers you begin to covet what they have. I had other girlfriends who were single and it seemed to be the topic of conversation. Who likes who and who we could date and who will we marry. Why are we still single? Are we all that bad? That just further deepened the longing.

The Lord kept speaking to my heart and blessed me abundantly. He kept giving me amazing opportunities to share my faith with others and to serve Him. I formed a bond with a few students at school that felt they could trust me. I also was able to be there for some new friends in my life and encourage them. I was blessed with a summer job to pay off my taxes. I was able to be involved in the contemporary choir ministry where I met one of my closest friends. I had also grown closer to another friend of mine. God then gave then gave me rest in July 2008 since I had the summer off from teaching. It was nice to not work for a month and a half! I enjoyed spending lots of time with my friends and serving the community with my church. I got to see my parents in Lake Charles and spend much needed quality time with them.
My life was full and I was trying to walk closer with the Lord each day. He kept softening my heart towards Him. I was learning how to pray more fervently and serve wholeheartedly. I accepted that He had created me as a listener and an advice giver therefore that was how I was to serve Him.

But Lord, I want to be a wife and mother! I want to practice loving someone like You love the Church. I want someone to pursue me and challenge me in my faith. I desire to glorify You through being in a relationship Lord! I am excited about it and I will accept the task at hand! I have served my time as a single. I love all the things I get to do but I would prefer to be in relationship. This desire gets stronger everyday!

A new friend of mine showed me this verse:
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
Psalm 84:11
And I also found this to be encouraging:

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8

Lord, I trust You with my life. You created me with Your hands! How could I question You? You will bestow honor on those whose walk is blameless. You will not withhold good from me. I have no need to worry about being married because you have called me to be anxious for nothing (Phil. 4:6,7).

I heard this amazing song at choir practice on Wednesday and linked the entire song to the title of my entry (just click on it). It is called Open Up the Sky by Jonathan Stockstill who sings at Bethany Prayer Center in Baton Rouge. Here are the lyrics:

verse 1
Our beloved Father please come down and meet us
We are waiting on Your touch
Open up the heavens, shower down Your presence
We respond to Your great love

pre-chorus
We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won't be satisfied at all

chorus
Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don't want blessings, we want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire,
We don't want anything but You

verse 2
Our beloved Jesus we just want to see You
in the glory of Your light
Earthly things don't matter
They just fade and shatter
When we're touched by love divine

chorus
Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don't want blessings, we want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire,
We don't want anything but You

Bridge
Here we go lets go to the throne

This is the song of my heart...

Goodbye 2007

As I reflect on this past year, I am amazed at where the Lord has taken me. I remember the very beginning of 2007 being so distraught over what to do with my life. I was not about to make a career out of waiting tables! I then made it my goal to have a job in 6 months and sure enough, I was hired to become a Home Ec teacher to middle schoolers. What in the world? I first of all have not ever been called "domesticated." I give that title lovingly to my sister. I was always too lazy to keep my apartment clean. Teaching? I detested doing speeches in college and even more detested waiting tables and having people listen to me as I gave my spiel. I could feel my face turning red when people stared at me. Kids? I was rarely ever around children and at times, I had questioned if I really wanted kids. Junior high? 7th grade was the worst year for me. I sat alone at lunch several times because my friends had made new friends. Well, okay God. I guess this is the place where you want me. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

The spring went by as I subbed during the day and waited tables at night. Summer time came and I got the awesome opportunity to travel to Cuba. What a blessed experience to meet brothers and sisters in Christ who were so passionate about the Lord! I got to see how little the Cubans had physically but how much they had spiritually. It was also a time where the foundation was laid for some amazing friendships I so cherish today!

The fall semester started with fear, anxiety, anticipation, stress, and challenges. I had no clue how to be a teacher even though I had read books and attended classes. Nothing prepares you like the day to day experience of teaching! Boy was I put to the test! I do not think I had been challenged that much in so many aspects of my life in such a short period of time. I also do not think I have sobbed that much before either. Are you sure Lord? I asked almost everyday for 10 weeks. Yes, Heather. Stick it out. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13.

Why did I continue to doubt God when He specifically placed me there? Why did I think He made a mistake since it was so hard? I was struggling with unbelief. I was not trusting Him. The God who sent His son to die for me. The one who had taken me out of the muck and mire of my worldly life. The one who loves me unconditionally and forgives me of my horrible sins. "Timothy, my son, I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you fight the good fight, holding onto faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith." 1 Timothy 6:18,19

I finally surrendered my fears and trusted the Lord. He then taught me so much more and I grew to like teaching. More importantly, I understood that no matter what I am doing in life, it is about being obedient to the Lord. Not questioning it. Not whining about it. Not comparing. Just doing as He says. "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands." 1 John 1:6a.

The end of the semester wrapped up with finals and then I was off to stay with my parents in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Such a difference from Phoenix, AZ where they lived for 4 years. The blessing was in the fact that they are a quick 2 1/2 hour drive rather than a 2 1/2 hour flight away. I got to have quality time with them and also got a lot of rest. I did not talk much as I was talked out from teaching. I read a book and got to scrapbook with my mom. Christmas day was peaceful and uplifting.

I am so thankful for what the Lord has taught me through my many trials, challenges, blessings, sermons, and His true Word in 2007. I look forward to 2008 with much optimism, possibility and anticipation. I know the Lord will teach me so much if I am just willing to listen. "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:22