Fall down like rain

It has been WAY too long since my last post and I am not sure that anyone checks this anymore but I have some things on my heart that I want to say.

I feel that the Lord has been preparing me for something really big since July of 2007 when I came back Quba. I learned a lot about people who have so few possessions yet have a huge desire for the Lord. They were in such need physically and when they were introduced to the Lord, they accepted Him so willingly. It was was amazing to see their passion for the Lord and it made me analyze my focus on "things" that take the place of God in my life.

Throughout all of last year as I experienced the life of a teacher, I was faced with many challenges. It felt like drudgery to get up incredibly early everyday and face the monsters waiting for me to teach them something important. I was tired most days and emotionally drained. I had no desire to love these hateful children. They had nothing nice to say nor did they have any real commitment to school work. Their lives outside of school were full of problems and therefore they were a product of their environment. Their parents sent them to my class to babysit them as well as discipline them, parent them, teach them social skills, educate them, give them advice and pretty much teach them anything that they had not learned at home. I did not take well to accepting my task at hand. I was so angry all the time and struggled to see anything positive about what I was doing at this school. I certainly had yelled at them and said things out of emotion. I definitely had hatred in my heart for the bad kids. I could have cared less about the gangsters. I had no compassion for the girls that gave me a nasty response when I told them to stay on task and stop talking. I tried to get the counselors to transfer these kids out of my class. They did at times but that was not always the solution to the problem.

I kept asking the Lord for another job or at least another grade level to switch to. I figured I could survive the school year and transfer somewhere else where the kids actually liked me. I mean, they did not care about what I was teaching so why should I care about them? Well the Lord was continuing to work on my prideful heart everyday. In the spring I did the Breaking Free Bible study by Beth Moore and saw the many strongholds in my life. I also learned how Satan had gotten a foothold in my heart. I was against the students and they were against me because I wanted to control them. I also had pride because if they treated me with disrespect I had no desire to give them much mercy. Once they were wrong, they were wrong always. I had to learn how to pray for the hard students in order to let the Lord soften my heart. At times, I did repair the relationship with the difficult student but mostly I tried to find them doing something wrong.

During the spring semester, I was also struggling with singleness. Several friends had gotten engaged in December and several more in the spring. It seemed that the singles department at church had a whirlwind of dating couples, engaged couples and newly married couples. My younger sister had also gotten engaged. This was crushing my spirit. I kept comparing myself to others and felt I was ready for a relationship but it was not happening. When you start comparing yourself to other believers you begin to covet what they have. I had other girlfriends who were single and it seemed to be the topic of conversation. Who likes who and who we could date and who will we marry. Why are we still single? Are we all that bad? That just further deepened the longing.

The Lord kept speaking to my heart and blessed me abundantly. He kept giving me amazing opportunities to share my faith with others and to serve Him. I formed a bond with a few students at school that felt they could trust me. I also was able to be there for some new friends in my life and encourage them. I was blessed with a summer job to pay off my taxes. I was able to be involved in the contemporary choir ministry where I met one of my closest friends. I had also grown closer to another friend of mine. God then gave then gave me rest in July 2008 since I had the summer off from teaching. It was nice to not work for a month and a half! I enjoyed spending lots of time with my friends and serving the community with my church. I got to see my parents in Lake Charles and spend much needed quality time with them.
My life was full and I was trying to walk closer with the Lord each day. He kept softening my heart towards Him. I was learning how to pray more fervently and serve wholeheartedly. I accepted that He had created me as a listener and an advice giver therefore that was how I was to serve Him.

But Lord, I want to be a wife and mother! I want to practice loving someone like You love the Church. I want someone to pursue me and challenge me in my faith. I desire to glorify You through being in a relationship Lord! I am excited about it and I will accept the task at hand! I have served my time as a single. I love all the things I get to do but I would prefer to be in relationship. This desire gets stronger everyday!

A new friend of mine showed me this verse:
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
Psalm 84:11
And I also found this to be encouraging:

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8

Lord, I trust You with my life. You created me with Your hands! How could I question You? You will bestow honor on those whose walk is blameless. You will not withhold good from me. I have no need to worry about being married because you have called me to be anxious for nothing (Phil. 4:6,7).

I heard this amazing song at choir practice on Wednesday and linked the entire song to the title of my entry (just click on it). It is called Open Up the Sky by Jonathan Stockstill who sings at Bethany Prayer Center in Baton Rouge. Here are the lyrics:

verse 1
Our beloved Father please come down and meet us
We are waiting on Your touch
Open up the heavens, shower down Your presence
We respond to Your great love

pre-chorus
We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won't be satisfied at all

chorus
Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don't want blessings, we want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire,
We don't want anything but You

verse 2
Our beloved Jesus we just want to see You
in the glory of Your light
Earthly things don't matter
They just fade and shatter
When we're touched by love divine

chorus
Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don't want blessings, we want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire,
We don't want anything but You

Bridge
Here we go lets go to the throne

This is the song of my heart...